Showing posts with label meatheads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meatheads. Show all posts

GIVE ME SOME PROT. BABY


Muscle milk- day six. It is Friday, I have taken two shits since Saturday and I have eaten one shrimp, two power bars, and a few small pieces of jerky. I needed the jerky to help fill my stomach because I hadn't eaten for over 12 hours.  I am MANOREXIC.  Anyways, I eat the power bars when I am in class all day. I really do not think it is appropriate to whip out a giant tub of prot and a gallon of milk. Hold on teach, gotta get jacked and tan (J&T). 

I am running low on my cookies and cream jug so I just went to this supplementwarehouse.com site. They have a feature where you can offer them a different price based on their competitors. Well these jugs cost 40 bucks for 5 lbs. Blindly, I say amazon.com has a 5 pounder for 22 bucks. So these meatheads offer me a jug for 21. I just scammed them.

Anyways true story coming here. I was at the rec last night and I see this kid in my frat who loves steroids and supplements and lifting weights and tanning, yea you get it. So I tell him what I am doing this month and he goes off on this rant. He just spent $600 on steroids and supplements and that only lasts him one month. He has a shake in his hand. Over 1400 calories, over 300 g carbs, and around 60 g prot. He then says that he is taking in 4 of these per day, plus food, plus intramuscular roids... needles and all. Reason: he is trying to get huge(r) for spring break because everyone else he is going with is bigger than him. He had 2 of these shakes while at the rec. He brought the jug to refill in one of the drinking fountains. 

My shit this morning was solid. I am starving 24/7. I feel like I have lost ten pounds this week. Weighing in tomorrow night. I am tired all the time. Only 22 more days. I figure that after this month I will have lost 20-25 lbs of fat, and gain 5 lbs of muscle. J&T, J&T.

Meatheads

You probably don't care.

Anyways, when I go to the gym to lift or bike or run I constantly eavesdrop on douchebags talking about 'roids and protein shakes and eating the right stuff. Well it pisses me off. I am majoring in dietetics (nutrition and food science) and it really pisses me off when dumbass ogres drink protein shakes and refuse to eat carbs. There is conflicting research out there. Some say that protein shakes work, others say that it is just expensive urine. I totally agree with the chicks saying its a waste.

So what I am going to do about it? Well, for 2 months now I've been planning my own research experiment. I have decided that I am going to pull off a Morgan Spurlock like SuperSizeMe type deal. For 28 days (FEB) I am going to be consuming one shake of muscle milk for each meal. The catch... that's all I am allowed to consume for 28 days (besides liquor). The control is some guy eating a high protein diet and we are getting meaty and lifting for 28 straight days.

My shits are going to be pure liquid. I am going to shit my pants. Literally. In class. Shart. All over girls. Walk away. Smile. 

I may die. Dying in the name of science. Martyrdom. Heroism. 1900 calories each day of pure protein and fat.

The media has been saying that I don't have the mental toughness to endure this. So I have been training. Eating 1200 or less calories per day for the past week. Shrinking that stomach. Looking sexy. If you are still reading this I am fucking impressed. 

So when all is said and done, body composition tests will be compared from before and after. I will either look like Ray Lewis (ew black) or Calista Flockhart. My nutrition professor called me a "bumbling idiot." Always a good sign.