Every year one Wednesday in July is the true Christmas for me. NCAA 2010 comes out and i sit and play it for hours. THATS TODAY!
Notre Dame has the worst defense in the game. Not really but I'm playing like it. Anyways the reason for this little ramble is that EA Sports has inserted something glorious into the game. To most people EA stands for Electronic Arts.... however this year it stands for ERIN ANDREWS, in the flesh. That's right every time someone gets injured her face pops up giving the report. Needless to say I have increased injuries to 100 in order to get to see her more often throughout the game. I only had to lose 7 players before i was done whacking it. Next game I'm going for 5.
They also have this road to glory feature where you create your player and go through the season and college career and whatnot. In the beginning EA comes on the screen and starts talking... and its really her. So thats twice in about ten minutes, I'm getting dehydrated. They ask a really silly question at the beginning... WOuld you like EA to report on the highlights of your career? This means her crew will save photos after each game you play. Everyone should click 'yes' at this point.
As usual, you get to choose your evening activity. Every single night I am going to get hammered. Maybe EA can come report on that and I can made a move on her. I am going to have to play as Iowa so I can fit in with Kirk Ferentz's DUI club.
Showing posts with label sammich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sammich. Show all posts
sammich time
-Streak for the cash.... this morning it was some rider vs any other cyclist. THe obvious pick is any other cyclist so I took my free win. Too bad the random rider edged out some guy at the finish line and my streak dies at 7. Tonight at the all-star game the prezzo is throwing out the first pitch. Streak for the cash: will it hit the ground of pujols glove. That sucker is going to blaze in there at 60 mph for a strike. Get your free.
-I've had to shit 4 or 5 times per day the past 3 days. Something is wrong and im not eating fiber. Might have colon cancer. I'll wait it out.
-Job hunting is fun. If you like slowly dying from AIDS
-The Home Run Derby contestants should only be selected from the previous steroid users list. This way it will be semi exciting. They should be allowed to juice before the derby, and in between at bats. Its getting realllllll boring.
-Just lost to my buddy Hoose in tennis in a last set tiebreak for the infinite consecutive time... meaning I have never beat him.
-I spent one hundred dollars I don't have this weekend in Indianapolis. Great town though.
-I have been sore for 13 straight days because of P90X. Dont do it.
asshat
-I've had to shit 4 or 5 times per day the past 3 days. Something is wrong and im not eating fiber. Might have colon cancer. I'll wait it out.
-Job hunting is fun. If you like slowly dying from AIDS
-The Home Run Derby contestants should only be selected from the previous steroid users list. This way it will be semi exciting. They should be allowed to juice before the derby, and in between at bats. Its getting realllllll boring.
-Just lost to my buddy Hoose in tennis in a last set tiebreak for the infinite consecutive time... meaning I have never beat him.
-I spent one hundred dollars I don't have this weekend in Indianapolis. Great town though.
-I have been sore for 13 straight days because of P90X. Dont do it.
asshat
Running Life Diary
-I've been watching Wimbledon pretty intently. Too bad no one else does or I would ramble about it.
-Do the Cavs really want a man with alopecia universalis? He may put up 16 and 6 but I've hated him since his days at UCONN. I suppose if they can't resign Andy then it's a good bet.
-I started P90X today. If you dont know what it is, google it. When it came time for the cool down I took it literally and just laid on the floor until the dvd main menu music got old. I am probably going to die just like I did during the muscle milk experiment. However this time I put back on all the weight I lost and am actually fatter.
-Fire Wedge.
-Went and saw Public Enemies last night at midnight. The previews for this movie gave me a hard on every time I saw them. After the movie my penis was inside of me. It was about people getting robbed and in the end I felt robbed of my $8.75 and 2.5 hours. It started really slow and never picked up. It is not by any means an action movie. Unless you consider action a bunch of people who cant hit air with a bullet. There were about 4 scenes with "action." Yet, only.... 4 people died? Maybe 5. Bullets fired: 5,000. Bullets hit: 10. Accuracy rating: 0.2% Kinda like Jeremy Sowers trying to find the strike zone.
-I have $850 racked up on my credit card. Beat that.
-The TOSU-MICH video below gave me solid wood for 5 minutes and I hate TOSU. Just the fact that NCAA Football 2010 comes out in 2 weeks AND Notre Dame kicks off in 6 weeks (made that up) really gets me excited. Even though ND isn't playing defense this year, their schedule is pretty weak so they should be at least 9-3. Which also means they will be ranked in the top 3 because media loves em.
-I love how ESPN analysts are FINALLY ripping on teams for playing shit out of conference schedules. I've literally bitched about it for 5+years now but it's all been fine and dandy to the media. I expect Big Ten and SEC teams will start manning up and playing some real teams. No more of this I-AA bullshit... unless of course you are Michigan then please go ahead and lose to some more cupcakes.
-Speaking of MIchigan, it won't even feel remotely bad when ND destroys them in the big house. Rich Rodriguez was one of the dumbest hires in coaching history. Keep trying to run that option offense against these pounding defenses in the Big Ten. Ya homo.
-Notre Dame has done something this year that I have ripped on TOSU for doing for the past six years. That is playing 8 home games and 4 away games. This is the most unfair thing in college football. Someone needs to just takeover scheduling and I think it should be me because I am awesome. One of those is in the Alamodome in Texas against Wazzou. That should be 63-0 after one quarter.
-If you go to the college football homepage the last headline says Welcome To The Year of Terrelle Pryor. Too bad it is an Insider article. I actually almost bought insider just to read it. I thought last year was the year of the second coming of Jesus? Oh that's right it was. Tressel made the biggest mistake in his career last year. TOSU had probably the most talented team in the nation and he benched Boeckman after USC pwned his nubs. Hey Jim, USC will always be better than you. Pete Carroll is the best coach in college football against big teams. He owned you Jim. Yet, you see it fit to bench your senior starter with uber amount of experience because you bought into the hype and excitement of the kid. You lost your chance at a National Title the moment you benched Boeckman. Pryor cant throw a ball just yet, but when he can, then we can talk about the next Daunte Culpepper. Pryor better buy a big boat...
Sammich
-Do the Cavs really want a man with alopecia universalis? He may put up 16 and 6 but I've hated him since his days at UCONN. I suppose if they can't resign Andy then it's a good bet.
-I started P90X today. If you dont know what it is, google it. When it came time for the cool down I took it literally and just laid on the floor until the dvd main menu music got old. I am probably going to die just like I did during the muscle milk experiment. However this time I put back on all the weight I lost and am actually fatter.
-Fire Wedge.
-Went and saw Public Enemies last night at midnight. The previews for this movie gave me a hard on every time I saw them. After the movie my penis was inside of me. It was about people getting robbed and in the end I felt robbed of my $8.75 and 2.5 hours. It started really slow and never picked up. It is not by any means an action movie. Unless you consider action a bunch of people who cant hit air with a bullet. There were about 4 scenes with "action." Yet, only.... 4 people died? Maybe 5. Bullets fired: 5,000. Bullets hit: 10. Accuracy rating: 0.2% Kinda like Jeremy Sowers trying to find the strike zone.
-I have $850 racked up on my credit card. Beat that.
-The TOSU-MICH video below gave me solid wood for 5 minutes and I hate TOSU. Just the fact that NCAA Football 2010 comes out in 2 weeks AND Notre Dame kicks off in 6 weeks (made that up) really gets me excited. Even though ND isn't playing defense this year, their schedule is pretty weak so they should be at least 9-3. Which also means they will be ranked in the top 3 because media loves em.
-I love how ESPN analysts are FINALLY ripping on teams for playing shit out of conference schedules. I've literally bitched about it for 5+years now but it's all been fine and dandy to the media. I expect Big Ten and SEC teams will start manning up and playing some real teams. No more of this I-AA bullshit... unless of course you are Michigan then please go ahead and lose to some more cupcakes.
-Speaking of MIchigan, it won't even feel remotely bad when ND destroys them in the big house. Rich Rodriguez was one of the dumbest hires in coaching history. Keep trying to run that option offense against these pounding defenses in the Big Ten. Ya homo.
-Notre Dame has done something this year that I have ripped on TOSU for doing for the past six years. That is playing 8 home games and 4 away games. This is the most unfair thing in college football. Someone needs to just takeover scheduling and I think it should be me because I am awesome. One of those is in the Alamodome in Texas against Wazzou. That should be 63-0 after one quarter.
-If you go to the college football homepage the last headline says Welcome To The Year of Terrelle Pryor. Too bad it is an Insider article. I actually almost bought insider just to read it. I thought last year was the year of the second coming of Jesus? Oh that's right it was. Tressel made the biggest mistake in his career last year. TOSU had probably the most talented team in the nation and he benched Boeckman after USC pwned his nubs. Hey Jim, USC will always be better than you. Pete Carroll is the best coach in college football against big teams. He owned you Jim. Yet, you see it fit to bench your senior starter with uber amount of experience because you bought into the hype and excitement of the kid. You lost your chance at a National Title the moment you benched Boeckman. Pryor cant throw a ball just yet, but when he can, then we can talk about the next Daunte Culpepper. Pryor better buy a big boat...
Sammich
31 Reasons Why Eric Wedge Needs Fired
1. 7 years, one playoff appearance.
2. One playoff appearance, one ultimate choke job.
3. We acquired the most versatile player in baseball to make a run this season and now we have to trade him.
4. Indians are the worst team in the AL. worse than baltimore. cool.
5. Even when we were healthy Wedge still couldn't figure out the best lineup. Here's 8 cheap reason and how the lineup should be when healthy.
6. Catcher: Victor Martinez
7. 1B: Travis Hafner
8. 2B: Jamey Carroll
9. 3B: Jhonny Peralta
10. SS: Asdrubal Cabrera
11. LF: Mark DeRosa
12. CF: Grady Sizemore
13. RF: Shin Soo Choo
14. Josh Barfield is good by the way. Bias? yep but try playing him.
note* number 15 is racist. get over it or dont read it.
15. Although there is no one to rely on in the bullpen stop calling on the fucking beaners. How about we get some loyal pen pitchers. White, black, asian i dont care just get someone who isnt in it for the money. These fucking puerto ricans all suck ass and dont give two shits about doing well. They just want to try and fuck anything in the states by using the tagline I pitch in the pros. Well guess what... you dont. You throw a ball for the worst team in the AL. that doesnt count rico.
16. I guess that mean that Wedge's decision making is terrible.
17. Small ball is for the national league. But jesus wedge. 1st and 2nd with no out and you still dont bunt when a good hitter is up. Then what happens? double play 2 outs runner on 3rd. GENIUS.
18. Wedge looks like a fucking turtle.
19. Jeremy Sowers has never pitched well. He has never had a solid start. Worst pitcher in baseball. Yet he still starts and takes up a roster spot. WHen do i get my shot?
20.Luis Valbuena is kinda hot right now. Otherwise I would call you the worst manager ever for not figuring outt o play Deorsa at 2nd with all these injuries and some fat obese kid in LF so we can bench him.
21. If nearly every Indians fan can 2nd guess the manager... its time to go.
22. Shapiro should go too. CLean house. That is still Wedge's fault.
23. After the Indians clean house, LeBron leaves too. #23, had to mention him. Browns actually have the best shot and i dont even like them. Mangini is awful, Mike Brown is awful, Wedge is awful. ITS A COMMON TREND!!! HOLY SHIT
24. no testicles
25. bad at interviews
26. never gets tossed
27. indians play without passion probably because they have no clubhouse leader or a manager who shows emotion
28. laffey got moved to the pen when sowers came back from injury earlier this year. thank god because laffey had about a 2 era and some wins.
29. look how many fans go to the games.
30. why dont fans go? because wedge sucks. definitely not because we are plagued with injuries and cleveland is poor
31. the indians are forced to sell now. def not bc of injuries once again. its because of wedge
2. One playoff appearance, one ultimate choke job.
3. We acquired the most versatile player in baseball to make a run this season and now we have to trade him.
4. Indians are the worst team in the AL. worse than baltimore. cool.
5. Even when we were healthy Wedge still couldn't figure out the best lineup. Here's 8 cheap reason and how the lineup should be when healthy.
6. Catcher: Victor Martinez
7. 1B: Travis Hafner
8. 2B: Jamey Carroll
9. 3B: Jhonny Peralta
10. SS: Asdrubal Cabrera
11. LF: Mark DeRosa
12. CF: Grady Sizemore
13. RF: Shin Soo Choo
14. Josh Barfield is good by the way. Bias? yep but try playing him.
note* number 15 is racist. get over it or dont read it.
15. Although there is no one to rely on in the bullpen stop calling on the fucking beaners. How about we get some loyal pen pitchers. White, black, asian i dont care just get someone who isnt in it for the money. These fucking puerto ricans all suck ass and dont give two shits about doing well. They just want to try and fuck anything in the states by using the tagline I pitch in the pros. Well guess what... you dont. You throw a ball for the worst team in the AL. that doesnt count rico.
16. I guess that mean that Wedge's decision making is terrible.
17. Small ball is for the national league. But jesus wedge. 1st and 2nd with no out and you still dont bunt when a good hitter is up. Then what happens? double play 2 outs runner on 3rd. GENIUS.
18. Wedge looks like a fucking turtle.
19. Jeremy Sowers has never pitched well. He has never had a solid start. Worst pitcher in baseball. Yet he still starts and takes up a roster spot. WHen do i get my shot?
20.Luis Valbuena is kinda hot right now. Otherwise I would call you the worst manager ever for not figuring outt o play Deorsa at 2nd with all these injuries and some fat obese kid in LF so we can bench him.
21. If nearly every Indians fan can 2nd guess the manager... its time to go.
22. Shapiro should go too. CLean house. That is still Wedge's fault.
23. After the Indians clean house, LeBron leaves too. #23, had to mention him. Browns actually have the best shot and i dont even like them. Mangini is awful, Mike Brown is awful, Wedge is awful. ITS A COMMON TREND!!! HOLY SHIT
24. no testicles
25. bad at interviews
26. never gets tossed
27. indians play without passion probably because they have no clubhouse leader or a manager who shows emotion
28. laffey got moved to the pen when sowers came back from injury earlier this year. thank god because laffey had about a 2 era and some wins.
29. look how many fans go to the games.
30. why dont fans go? because wedge sucks. definitely not because we are plagued with injuries and cleveland is poor
31. the indians are forced to sell now. def not bc of injuries once again. its because of wedge
I'm Really Sad
With 4 minutes to go in the national championship, Oxford, Ohio was a mess. You could feel it, we were going to win the title. Every bar was jam packed, every person was elated. I started hearing the victory screams. I tell my friend at the 3:32 mark... calm down man BU can score at will. Well they did at the minute mark. I was still fine, it just made the game more intense. Then with 20 seconds I see the cross-ice pass in slow motion and realize the net is wide, and he hit it.
I couldn't move. A few people could because they were throwing shit. I sat there during intermission without speaking. Shaking, scared. We had them. It was over. One fluke goal and one great one. As OT began everyone was back to normal. We had some golden opportunities. I just remember staring at the net behind Miami goaltender Reichard and watching a black puck land in there from off the camera. I can't fathom how it feels, but I imagine it is kind of like being an OSU fan in 2002 when THE U beat them in overtime. And then a flag came in 2 days later. Except, you see, this time I know the flag isn't coming.
I haven't felt this way since 2006. I have written about this before, but I feel as if it is the only thing that will help alleviate the sadness. Here are, the new, worst sports moments of my life.
1) '97. cant talk about it still
2) '09 frozen 4. cemented in. its not my emotions running high, its true. crushing blow
3) '06 bush push. lost a putter that evening too.
4)'05 elite 8. Arizona up 15 with 1:15 to play vs Illinois. UI comes back and wins in OT. sat on my friends couch for an hour while they all left to go somewhere.
5) '02 OSU loses the title game then wins it because refs are blind. I am pretty sure i cried that night
6) '07 tribe, thanks guys
7) '95 tribe. i know i cried that night. i was 9
8) anytime ND loses to michigan state (so every year)
9) anytime OSU wins anything
10) Cavs not winning the championship in oh... 2 months?
Thanks for reading my sorrows. Also, I only root for the Indians and Cavs. When I was at the bar for the Miami game I realized that Ohio fans suck wherever you are and whatever sport it is. I figured college hockey wouldn't bring out the biased, retarded, crying Ohio fans but I was wrong. I am excited for August to come around so I can start hearing the Browns will at least go 8-8 this year. Last two years it was Browns will win the division with ease and Browns Super Bowl. Its Ohio. We don't win. Ever.
Stop. Sammich Time
Today spawns one of the greatest sporting events our fine nation has to offer. THE FROZEN FOUR. These kids just love to play hOckey. And who is in it? Miami U bitches. First round action starts tonight on ESPN2 at 5pm with Miami taking on Bemidji State. This other school was the lowest seed in the tournament and they upset smart schools like Notre Dame and Cornell. They have one HUGE edge on Miami.... they are from MinnesOOOOOta (Canada). Miami on the other hand is also an underdog and they have upset Denver and Minnesota Duluth.
The other matchup is Vermont vs Boston. Boston is the overall number one seed and a clear favorite to win it all. They pwned ohio state because ohio state sucks at everything and is the worst place ever. If BU gets past Vermont then they will easily beat the winner of Miami vs Canada. GO Redhawks.
Oh, and The Masters started today and Ross Fisher is gay and Paddy will win me 100 bones thanks you very much.
OH, and ive won 150 dollars in ten days because the NBA is easy to bet on.
Go sammich.
BOOM No one reads anymore
Hoose is playing by himself. I am going to name drop. Deal with it. Snowman here and we have some bad pong play out of a few donks. This is a train of thought blog as daylight savings time turns courtest of sammich and donk whooaaaaaa.
Basically (sammich) its 425 am. Typical between best friends right now. We have fights breaking out. Verbally assaulting each other. Hoose is threatening to pour beer all over his naked chest. So fucking hairy too. I can hear in the distance that J and Jplott seem to be beating each other with cinder blocks. It will all end okay.
I saw Slumdog today. I also just heard viva la vida played by an african american person. This is a damn shame. To take Chris Martin's and company's work and trash it with smacking bitches asses and drinking patron. I am absolutely appalled. I am informed this rappers name is Lil Scraggy. Look people. Rap is fucking embarrassing. It takes zero talent. If you mix your own songs I will give some credit (timabland) OR if you are a giant music symbol such as jay-z, then credit is due.
Plott is on fire in pong. It is getting ridiculous. Although a certain individual has a girlfriend he keeps trying to hook up with some akron slut that is not currently in attendance. I totally promote this by the way. I feel that flirting without action (FWA) should be encouraged. It keeps the mind sane and the penis ready to perform.
Jay just forgot he had food. BY FOOD HE MEANS GRAHAM CRACKERS. THATS NOT FOOD. FOOD IS FAT. TACO BELL.
I do not agree with the beratement. I wanted tac and nooone would drive. I cant drive I dont like jail. Im little they would like me there. Taco bell should deliver. Someone just hit a a behind the back shot here. Its getting ugly. Plott looks like babe ruth again a jeremy sowers, otherwise its not fair. he isnt human. HIM is on the tv radio thing, if they are taking a 666 to my heart i dunno why they are on but at least its not nickleback genre. they are yelling about being on fire. Pete might go trolling. Trolling means if you do not hit a cup but your partner does you have to sit under the table for the next game. that would be fantastic. He hit a cup. Dammit.
Im not wearing a shirt next game. Need to change karma, plott is not human. This game is taking forever. I think I turned 100 while these mules threw some white balls around. Who is crooked X? MONTY'S.
Sammich- No one reads. Log's blog was way better. Suck it mac. Boot me. The day when someone got Bibby's sotry on truhoop. I guess buzz got Dana Q on chat. J and Wass just went to taco bell. This was after wass repeatedly said he could not see. I love drunk driving.
No tac. I wanted Tac. tac tac tac. it was closed. I feel like i lost my first born. Hooose is playing like 2v 1. ugh. cheese double cheese.
They got rally's. Wass is fat. 5am hits. Right now Ed MCbread is mcbreading his girlfriend. PLott belly has just been poked. I am personally about to attack wass for his sammich. Nvm. Plott just DDT'd jay;s head. No joke
Wait
Jay is about to Flip onto a couch. Weak perofomnace. I will give him a 4.5 A nate robinson flip- he pushed off. here comes another. He is pissed that we called him out on the nate rob.
"I DONT KNOW WHAT IM GOING FOR." He just backed down and go called out so now hes pissed. Nope backed out again. GZood thing no one reads this.
i am weaksuace man.
Jay needs his dick touched. He is looking for a wingman bad. ANYONE WILL DO.
Basically (sammich) its 425 am. Typical between best friends right now. We have fights breaking out. Verbally assaulting each other. Hoose is threatening to pour beer all over his naked chest. So fucking hairy too. I can hear in the distance that J and Jplott seem to be beating each other with cinder blocks. It will all end okay.
I saw Slumdog today. I also just heard viva la vida played by an african american person. This is a damn shame. To take Chris Martin's and company's work and trash it with smacking bitches asses and drinking patron. I am absolutely appalled. I am informed this rappers name is Lil Scraggy. Look people. Rap is fucking embarrassing. It takes zero talent. If you mix your own songs I will give some credit (timabland) OR if you are a giant music symbol such as jay-z, then credit is due.
Plott is on fire in pong. It is getting ridiculous. Although a certain individual has a girlfriend he keeps trying to hook up with some akron slut that is not currently in attendance. I totally promote this by the way. I feel that flirting without action (FWA) should be encouraged. It keeps the mind sane and the penis ready to perform.
Jay just forgot he had food. BY FOOD HE MEANS GRAHAM CRACKERS. THATS NOT FOOD. FOOD IS FAT. TACO BELL.
I do not agree with the beratement. I wanted tac and nooone would drive. I cant drive I dont like jail. Im little they would like me there. Taco bell should deliver. Someone just hit a a behind the back shot here. Its getting ugly. Plott looks like babe ruth again a jeremy sowers, otherwise its not fair. he isnt human. HIM is on the tv radio thing, if they are taking a 666 to my heart i dunno why they are on but at least its not nickleback genre. they are yelling about being on fire. Pete might go trolling. Trolling means if you do not hit a cup but your partner does you have to sit under the table for the next game. that would be fantastic. He hit a cup. Dammit.
Im not wearing a shirt next game. Need to change karma, plott is not human. This game is taking forever. I think I turned 100 while these mules threw some white balls around. Who is crooked X? MONTY'S.
Sammich- No one reads. Log's blog was way better. Suck it mac. Boot me. The day when someone got Bibby's sotry on truhoop. I guess buzz got Dana Q on chat. J and Wass just went to taco bell. This was after wass repeatedly said he could not see. I love drunk driving.
No tac. I wanted Tac. tac tac tac. it was closed. I feel like i lost my first born. Hooose is playing like 2v 1. ugh. cheese double cheese.
They got rally's. Wass is fat. 5am hits. Right now Ed MCbread is mcbreading his girlfriend. PLott belly has just been poked. I am personally about to attack wass for his sammich. Nvm. Plott just DDT'd jay;s head. No joke
Wait
Jay is about to Flip onto a couch. Weak perofomnace. I will give him a 4.5 A nate robinson flip- he pushed off. here comes another. He is pissed that we called him out on the nate rob.
"I DONT KNOW WHAT IM GOING FOR." He just backed down and go called out so now hes pissed. Nope backed out again. GZood thing no one reads this.
i am weaksuace man.
Jay needs his dick touched. He is looking for a wingman bad. ANYONE WILL DO.
My Roommate Brad (Enema)
Currently, my roommate Brad has not shit in a week. He can feel the turd at the opening of the anus but cannot push it out. He drank 2 cups of prescription laxative and still could not shit. He is on some benecol fiber shit for old people. This is the first ever live blog of an enema.
2:15 pm -He just got back from the doctor for the 2nd day in a row.
2:16 pm- He weighed in at 219. He is about to give himself a fucking enema. This is a bottle of fluid. The bottle has a long plastic tip that he has to move side to side into his asshole and squirt until shit falls out of his ass.
2:22 PM he has entered the bathroom. I am going to go listen, but not watch as it may be uncomfortable for both of us. I would see his meat and tackle.
2:24pm - weird groans. sounds like he may be enjoying it, but still sounds like discomfort.
2:25pm- everything is quiet. i think its going in now. "I cant even tell you how awkward this is." well it must be in.
2:26 pm - 2 grunts. 3.
2:27 pm- My roommate Bob has closed his door out of disgust and is playing The Fray rather loudly to drone out any noise. Personally, I would have picked dysentery gary to lighten the mood. (that was funny).
2:28 pm- "ITS HORRIBLE. IM STILL GOING TO TELL MY GF THIS WASNT BAD SO WE CAN DO IT IN THE BUTT SOME DAY." Fantastic idea. However the tube is a pencil dick. So I would use something like a baseball bat on my own ass. Just a thought.
2:30pm- Hootie and the Blowfish is now playing. Very uncomfortable noises coming from the bathroom. I am thinking about leaving, but then this live blog would be ruined. I am committed.
2:31- The burrito bowl I had yesterday is starting to hit me. I need to shit. However I feel like I will wait an hour not to mock my constipated roommate.
2:32- I just heard some kerplunk, kind of like a stone going into water. Now I heard a waterfall. I think it might have worked. But then again it may have been him dropping the enema in the toilet. This is really uncomfortable now.
2:35 pm- Sounds like poop to me. I hope so too. The poor kid has been crying himself to sleep out of his anguish of not being able to pass logs. Toilet Paper, but its for his nose. Kind of interesting, I am not sure what to make of that move. On a side note, what if he looks in the toilet and sees his intestines just sitting there and then he dies and face plants into his own enema ass covered intestines.
2:38- flush #1.
2:40 The exit. Brad has pushed out about a dozen golf ball- racquetball sized balls of poo. He claims there is more, and I hope there is. The toilet is clogged so I get the chance to examine. They seem normal. Nevermind. They flushed but I think that they were so hard that they are now stuck in our pipes. We are looking at some Draino. "They felt like bowling balls coming out."
Don't be surprised if you see a second live enema blog coming up later today.
FAIL :(
Nearly passed out a few times yesterday. I am discontinuing my muscle milk experiment. My first meal... was a protein shake. For some reason I woke up this morning after not eating for 22 days and decided that I did not want to eat. I think I am experiencing an inside look at what an anorexic person goes through. All throughout this study I have craved various foods and have said man when I am finished I am going to eat (insert food here). Now, I crave nothing. Maybe I am a mano.
I crave more muscle milk. I do not know if it is because I am upset that I couldn't continue or if it is because I truly am manorexic. Either way, I had just had lunch... broccoli cheese soup. It burnt my mouth. It burnt me as a sign. That I shouldn't be eating. I should probably puke it up, but I won't. As the soup singed my mouth, all I could think about the chilled protein shake that used to slide down the ol' esophagus. Maybe I have a sexual attachment to muscle milk.
The muscle milk I have been drinking is a white powder that I mix with milk. I bet there is cocaine in there. I may go snort some. Maybe this is the inside of a crack addict's head. It smells delicious, it tastes pretty good, I can't stop drinking it. Maybe I am a crack addict.
All I care about right now is drinking protein and lifting weights. I have seen the results. Maybe this is the inside of a meathead's head. I have lost 14 pounds in 22 days. This isn't what is supposed to happen, but I am not hungry and I am losing weight. Maybe I am a meathead.
For some reason I am thinking about this in too much detail. Maybe this is the inside of a scientist's head. Someone who is always asking questions and furthering and reasoning for any action that may occur. Maybe I am a scientist.
Maybe I am gay.
I am either:
1) Manorexic
2) physically and emotionally attached to protein supplements
3) a crack head
4) J&T
5) A scientist
6) Gay
On that list there is an absence of any normality. What if I am never going to feel normal again. Will I eat real food for dinner? I hope so.
Wally World
Due to an overwhelming amount of responses to my banishment, I am writing another post. This past Saturday I was going to get swoll at the rec. I walk in the building. Look to my right. I see this tall, sexy man standing by the pro shop getting a daily pass. I go to get in line to swipe my card and I look over again. Indeed. It was Wally Sczerbiakzbeibzciak. I stopped moving and stared with my mouth open. He looked over at me, gave me a head nod and smiled. Why did he do this? Because I looked like an excited fourth grader who didn't know what to do, and this was only Wally, not some superstar.
The head nod/smile combo could mean a few different things. One being the obvious he wanted to hang out later and we should exchange numbers. I did not have the stones to do this. The other could have been oh great another person oogling at my awesome spiky hair, gosh I am so popular. Or maybe it was something like... Finally someone actually recognized me so I am going to recognize them recognizing me. I am going with the latter considering he had to actually wait in line to get a daily pass because the lady at the pro shop didn't know who he was.
What was Wally doing at the Miami rec? Well the newly finished giant center was built after his time so he was not able to experience pwning n00bs in pickup games. He was just taking a look around though. He had his wife and two daughters with him so he obviously wasn't balling or getting J&T. I already knew the World was in town because he was getting inducted into the Miami athletic HOF that evening at the MU, WMU bball game. I also already knew that I was really excited to make my girlfriend go to the game on Vday just so I could see Wally.
Good thing I got to see him twice that day. At the game I made sure to wear the same outfit I did to the rec so he may be like.. oh there's that kid in the Notre Dame sweatshirt from earlier. He sat two sections over from me. If I could go back to the rec that day and see Wally again, I would have asked one of three questions.
Initially is would have been something gay like Hey Wally bring Cleveland back a title this year. Which is definitely a two year old thing to say and I would have just gotten another smile and maybe a high five. The more I thought about it I figured out that I would have asked him to tell me a funny story about Delonte's pre-game habits. All I could think about was how great it would be for the blog. Then finally I came up with my question. Hey Wally, you goin out tonight? It would have been perfect. He would have said no because he had those chicks with him, but I could have enticed him to head to the bars. We could have gotten late night together, ripped a few shots, could have let him pass out at my place.... Man. Then the next morning we would go get the best burger ever. THE RON HARPER. Double cheeseburger, bacon, ham, fried egg, BBQ, 3 diff cheeses, 60,000 calories. Except I would have just watched him eat it because I can't eat for another 13 days.
Whew good thing I didn't get banned from the blog.
Homeless People
First off, I apologize for the drunken stupor of the post below.
Now we have had 3 straight posts about homeless people on this site. Instead of bitching about them always being annoying and asking for money, we should take into account what Randy Marsh once said. Those folks from South Park, Colorado had a tough time with the homeless as well. Here were a few of their ideas.
1- We could give the homeless designer sleeping bags and makeovers so at least they would be pleasant to look at. Although this is a great idea, there is still the problem of the homeless people urinating themselves and smelling like poo. They still don't have teeth, and they will still ask for money. FAILED.
2- Randy Marsh- We could turn the homeless into tires, so we could still have them, but use them... for cars. Genius idea Mr. Marsh. Why not utilize the homeless people into something that we need every day. We could have white people tires and black people tires, but not mexican tires because they would fall asleep. The white person tire would be fragile and weak, but effective until a pothole is hit. The black person tire would be lazy and stupid, but very durable and ideal for rough terrain.
Watching this episode reminded me that this used to be one of my south park favorites. However, now I don't like it anymore. All the homeless people keep asking for change. The word change reminds me of the prezzo. Everytime I think about Obama, I think about this black chick at school who can't read or write and was screaming like a black girl after the election.
I can't copy and paste into blogger for some reason. But please watch this video it is hilarious.
Never mind I am retarded I can't do it.
Also, I do not know how I went from homeless people to our President.
GIVE ME SOME PROT. BABY
Muscle milk- day six. It is Friday, I have taken two shits since Saturday and I have eaten one shrimp, two power bars, and a few small pieces of jerky. I needed the jerky to help fill my stomach because I hadn't eaten for over 12 hours. I am MANOREXIC. Anyways, I eat the power bars when I am in class all day. I really do not think it is appropriate to whip out a giant tub of prot and a gallon of milk. Hold on teach, gotta get jacked and tan (J&T).
I am running low on my cookies and cream jug so I just went to this supplementwarehouse.com site. They have a feature where you can offer them a different price based on their competitors. Well these jugs cost 40 bucks for 5 lbs. Blindly, I say amazon.com has a 5 pounder for 22 bucks. So these meatheads offer me a jug for 21. I just scammed them.
Anyways true story coming here. I was at the rec last night and I see this kid in my frat who loves steroids and supplements and lifting weights and tanning, yea you get it. So I tell him what I am doing this month and he goes off on this rant. He just spent $600 on steroids and supplements and that only lasts him one month. He has a shake in his hand. Over 1400 calories, over 300 g carbs, and around 60 g prot. He then says that he is taking in 4 of these per day, plus food, plus intramuscular roids... needles and all. Reason: he is trying to get huge(r) for spring break because everyone else he is going with is bigger than him. He had 2 of these shakes while at the rec. He brought the jug to refill in one of the drinking fountains.
My shit this morning was solid. I am starving 24/7. I feel like I have lost ten pounds this week. Weighing in tomorrow night. I am tired all the time. Only 22 more days. I figure that after this month I will have lost 20-25 lbs of fat, and gain 5 lbs of muscle. J&T, J&T.
Kobe or Bron?
Honestly, I would love to see who thinks who is a better player RIGHT NOW. Kobe's rings don't count and neither does "who would you rather have on your team?"
Defense: Lebron wins clearly. That is if he is trying. The man can do it all on D when he puts out enough effort.
3's: KOBE. He is a better shooter and there is no doubt about it. Remember the game at Staples Center a few weeks back?
Jumpers: KOBE. Once again the last few minutes of their last game against each other, KOBE hit two ridiculous jumpers OVER LEBRON. Kid can shoot.
Vision, Passing: Bron. In order to receive acclamation on this, you actually have to dish the rock.
Driving, Finishing: Bron. Best in the business at it too.
Clutchness: Kobe. How many game winners has he hit compared to lebron? probably a 5:1 ratio.
I still think Kobe is better. The game in LA gave me the sure fire decision on that. I am sure you are all sick of the Bron vs KOBE talk because of the neglect shown to Stephon Marbury. So... who is better?
What Really Caused the Hudson River Plane Crash
Thought this was too funny to keep for myself. Also I would like to point out that I am the leading contributor. This has nothing to do with quality, but in life only quantity matters. Its all about the name on the back.
Rookies
Every time a weather phenomenon occurs, a few things come out of the woodwork. First of all, it ruins having fun 65% of the time because you can't go anywhere or do anything. I'm not talking about just snow days, but earlier in the year there was that huge power outage for days and other shit. No one can truly function for more than eight hours without technology unless you are Bear Grylls. Today, I am stuck in my house with nowhere to go (for some reason the tornado sirens are going off right now) and I really want to leave. I may go drink, but that means that I can't watch Dexter all day.
Another thing that happens is that people get so excited the moment this weather stuff occurs, and then they realize.... oh fuck there's nothing to do. So my house decides to get up at 930 and scream and sing, while angry sammich is trying to sleep. He is trying to sleep because he, unlike the others, didn't even set an alarm for his quiz at ten, knowing it was going to be cancelled. Sammich went to bed at five, with confidence, because he is smart and enjoys weather.
The third that ALWAYS happens is by far the worst. Suddenly, every person becomes an expert on what has occurred. Also, they always have stories about stuff that happened in the past that is related. I am baffled that there are 15,000 college kids around me who are already meteorologists. Before going into school, that's all I wanted to do, study weather. Then I realized you needed geometry so I said fuck that, but still decided to learn about it.
Over the summer we had a tornado "rip" through Oxford. By rip through I mean it was five miles north and everyone said it was in this crusty town. As I was sitting in the basement of my frat house, I was very glad to know that all I needed to do for a professional weather update was ask anyone in the room what was happening outside. I have the wrong attitude right now. Instead of enjoying my day off, I am bitching about stupid people. Negative nancy.
All About Country
First of all, I do not like country music. Yes, I have been listening to one song by Taylor Swift on repeat for the past day, but I do like chicks and I do not enjoy country. This raises a few points. I was digging up some information on hot country singers and I came across some dirt about one of our fellow contributors.
Last year, a country singer by the name of Mindy McCready was released from prison. She was behind bars scissoring with inmates for beating up her mother (someone's grandma). Mrs. McCready apparently can't wait to go home and see her "baby boy" whom is not a baby anymore. Mrs. McCready is also looking to start her own reality show featuring her son and his beat: "I feel as if everyone really wants to know when the two are going to tie the knot so I figured I would be a good mother and make it a nationwide ordeal. Personally I remember when my son would masturbate 4-5 times per day when he didn't have a girlfriend so I really hope they get married soon." Mrs. McCready's son was unavailable for comment.
We had a few interns try and find out more information about the fling and it appears as if these two are really in love. Apparently the beat can be a little crazy at times because she is already to pop out some kids. The would be father is by no means mature enough to handle a kid at this point. Mrs. McCready volunteered to take care of the child. This does include breastfeeding since the beat cannot lactate.
In other country news... who is hotter... Carrie Underwood or Taylor Swift?
Upset City
With the 81st Academy awards approaching I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of the worst snubs ever. Of course everyone has their own opinion but mine is always right so you do have to agree. Without further ado, here are the five biggest snub jobs of all-time (since I was born) at the Oscar's.
5) We are going all the back to 2006 for number five. For the award of best supporting actor, the Oscar went to Alan Arkin for his role in Little Miss Sunshine. That movie was possibly the worst movie ever made that most people like. Who did he beat out? Marky Mark in The Departed. This is completely biased. I hate little miss sunshine and I get wood to Markymark in the Departed. I had to debate between this and Nicholson getting beat in '92 for his role in A Few Good Men.
4) In 1995 Nicholas Cage won an Oscar for the best actor in some movie I've never heard of before. Since all of America hates Cage, I can only assume he didn't deserve it. I guess you wouldn't call this a snub, but you would call it complete shit. Richard Dreyfus was nominated for Mr. Holland's Opus which is a pretty cool flick and he did a pretty good job. Better than Cage ever will. SNUB.
3) Well honestly I just wanted to make a top three list but three isn't enough. So yea I just threw the first two in for fun. Here is where it gets serious. The year is 2002 and the award is best picture. The gay ass musical Chicago takes it home over Gangs of New York. Shocking. I would have taken two of the other nominees, LOTR 2 or The Pianist over Chicago. Gangs of New York is phenomenal. By the way John C. Reilly was nominated for an Oscar for best supporting actor that year for Chicago. How?
2) 1998, Best picture. The winner: Shakespeare in Love. The winner in everyone else's eyes... Saving Ryan's Privates. This needs no follow up.
1) The worst snub of all time was because of the whole affirmative action thing. It spread to Hollywood to create one of America's worst moments ever. In 2000, Russell Crowe won the Oscar for best actor for Gladiator. Deserved it? Probably, the rest of the nominees were weak. The next year (2001) Ron Howard directs A Beautiful Mind starring Crowe. The film wins the best picture award (as it should). Crowe gives one of the best acting performances I've ever seen. Who wins the Oscar for the best actor? Denzel Washington for Training Day. It was so racist. Crowe > Dwash. I mean they should have actually had a 2nd place award for that year because Crowe had it locked up. Then, Sean Penn or Will Smith would have won 2nd and 3rd and Denzel wouldn't have gotten shit. The reason that the NAACP chose Denzel to win the Oscar over Will SMith was because Smith is actually white. Thanks affirmative action.
I'm done. Notice one thing. No women on this list. That's because women shouldn't be allowed to drive or vote.
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