Accenture Match Play Buddy Chat

FAIL :(

Nearly passed out a few times yesterday. I am discontinuing my muscle milk experiment. My first meal... was a protein shake. For some reason I woke up this morning after not eating for 22 days and decided that I did not want to eat. I think I am experiencing an inside look at what an anorexic person goes through. All throughout this study I have craved various foods and have said man when I am finished I am going to eat (insert food here). Now, I crave nothing. Maybe I am a mano.

I crave more muscle milk. I do not know if it is because I am upset that I couldn't continue or if it is because I truly am manorexic. Either way, I had just had lunch... broccoli cheese soup. It burnt my mouth. It burnt me as a sign. That I shouldn't be eating. I should probably puke it up, but I won't. As the soup singed my mouth, all I could think about the chilled protein shake that used to slide down the ol' esophagus. Maybe I have a sexual attachment to muscle milk.

The muscle milk I have been drinking is a white powder that I mix with milk. I bet there is cocaine in there. I may go snort some. Maybe this is the inside of a crack addict's head. It smells delicious, it tastes pretty good, I can't stop drinking it. Maybe I am a crack addict.

All I care about right now is drinking protein and lifting weights. I have seen the results. Maybe this is the inside of a meathead's head. I have lost 14 pounds in 22 days. This isn't what is supposed to happen, but I am not hungry and I am losing weight. Maybe I am a meathead.

For some reason I am thinking about this in too much detail. Maybe this is the inside of a scientist's head. Someone who is always asking questions and furthering and reasoning for any action that may occur. Maybe I am a scientist.

Maybe I am gay.

I am either:

1) Manorexic

2) physically and emotionally attached to protein supplements

3) a crack head

4) J&T

5) A scientist

6) Gay

On that list there is an absence of any normality. What if I am never going to feel normal again. Will I eat real food for dinner? I hope so.

F-it, In 10 Years and We'll All Be Zombies Anyway

I always used to be a big advocate of "progress," claiming that it necessary for each generation to learn, grow, develop, evolve, etc. But lately its been getting harder and harder to see the light at the end of Lemmingwinks tunnel. Society has been pushing toward a life without hardship, war, conflict, and complacency. Technology has made life so easy it has grown to the point that there is little to care about anymore. Texting is now a major form of communication, preferred over the personal phone call. We say meaning for things transported in binary. We are starting to become distant from each other, detached from emotion and breaking apart. First example, I'm sitting in my apartment having this conversation with my computer screen rather than a living, independent thinking human. It is easier to sit on the couch from the weekend and watch TV until we fall asleep than better our own lives or the lives of others.

Hardship makes us grow. War shows conviction, or it should, not war as we know it, but war in Lord of the Rings or fairy tales of WWII. You don't work to discover fire until you're sick of being cold and I'm sick of being cold, but I'm pretty sure it rains all the time so useless. Alf was a really weird TV character.

I'm pretty much just ranting. About what? I have no fucking idea. Possibly about the idea that communities are breaking down, we no longer have any morale conviction, and acceptance is preferred stance on everything. I quit, sorry for wasting your time if you read this, no refunds. We are all slaves

Show Me Your Genitals

Women are only good for three things...

The Babes of CNBC

Let me preface this post by saying my first published draft actually forgot Erin Burnett, who I ended up ranking as #2.
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I am in the financial services industry. I have a television in my office. My excuse is that if one of my (very few) clients is watching CNBC and hears something that they need explained to them, I can at the very least know what they are talking about.

Consequently, my muted TV shows off the eye candy route that GE went with in regards to the female anchors. And since most of you would never subject yourself to the media orgy that is an NBC network, I am here to count down their top 6 hot chick anchors for you.

First off, those who missed the cut:

• Rebecca Jarvis
• Michelle Caruso-Cabrera
  

6. Maria Bartiromo

OH-VER-RAY-TED! (CLAP CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP). Frankly, Maria, a Brooklyn native, scares the shit out of me. If one of these broads could beat my ass, it would definitely be her. I was tempted to put Becky Quick here instead, but leaving Bartiromo off the list would have resulted in civil unrest. And I really don't understand why.

Reminds me of: Leah Remini from King of Queens


5. Melissa Francis

Melissa helps Larry Kudlow host Kudlow & Company, which bumps her up on my list because she is definitely a conservative. In fact, just the other day she was berating the stimulus plan and Geithner's vague bank plan description. Nice. However, she is pretty much your typical blonde chick and doesn't bring enough unique qualities to the table to merit a top 3 consideration. Try putting on a pair of glasses or somethin, Missy.

Reminds me of: a way less hot Megyn Kelly

4. Julia Boorstin

I completely acknowledge that this rating is absolutely outrageous. Julia is the token redhead of the CNBC girls-- I'd imagine she is a product of some sort of affirmative action. She really isn't all that hot, but kind of has that Pam-from-The-Office-thing going for her. I can't really explain it. Plus, she's one of us-- a blogger. She usually appears in 15 second segments right before commercial breaks with quick hitter vague point headlines, like "T. Boone Pickens got into wind energy last winter, will the investment pay off for him? Pickens joins us after the break."

Reminds me of: Pam from The Office.


3. Trish Regan

Trish hosts The Call from 11am-Noon every weekday, usually just supervising whatever talking heads they get for the show that day. She also has the priviledge of checking in with Jim Cramer from time to time. She also does some pretty badass interviews for CNBC specials. The other night I was watching Marijuana, Inc., one of the most recent CNBC specials, and I could totally tell that she wanted to hit a bong with the druglord she was talking to. The former Miss New Hampshire used to work for Goldman Sachs, so she apparently knows her shit.

Reminds me of: that bitch from the Gilmore Girls, but way hotter

2. Erin Burnett

I actually somehow forgot Erin until someone said "yo dude, why didn't you put Burnett on there?" I'm an idiot. Anyway, she hosts Squawk on the Street from 9-11am on weekdays. She also hosts Street Signs from 2-3pm.

I would consider Erin an acquired taste. I wasn't impressed at first, especially in the mornings, but she is just on there so damn much, you pretty much have to enjoy her by the time Street Signs comes on at 2. I find it very frustrating.

Reminds me of: Katy Perry? Eh, couldn't think of anyone else. **EDIT** J Sauer says some chick from Bones. I agree. **END EDIT**

1. Margaret Brennan

I'm going to delve right into this one. Margaret attended the University of Virginia, majoring in Foregin Affairs:

In 2001 Brennan interned at CNN's international newsdesk where she coordinated field reporters and translated Arabic language tapes from Osama bin Laden.

Holy shit that's hot. She speaks Arabic shit.

Nowadays, Margaret, does pretty much the same thing Julia Boorstin does for CNBC, but also hosts CNBC Market Wrap on MSNBC. MSNBC really really sucks, but we're willing to let it go. Plus, none of the above have a creepy open love letter addressed to them by some guy on the internet.

Reminds me of: Julie Gonzalo from Dodgeball and Eli Stone

Bathroom Etiquette

It’s not OK to talk to me while I’m peeing. When I go to the bathroom I’m there to relieve myself while trying not to pass out due to the stench coming from stall number one. It’s bad enough that I got stuck with the midget urinal because it was the only one open, now some asshole wants to talk to me? It’s not like anyone ever has anything of importance to say either. Today at work I got stuck in two of these inane conversations and they both went exactly like this:

Annoying guy: This sure has been a slow morning.
BigLots: Yea, that’s Monday for you.
Annoying guy: Plus it’s so cold out. Hopefully Spring is around the corner.
BigLots: Yea….

And then I stand there and fake like I’m still peeing until he leaves the bathroom so we don’t have to continue speaking to each other.

So if we happen to be in a bathroom together anytime soon I’ll give you one rule to abide by: Look straight ahead and hold off on any comments until we are washing our hands. Thank you.

Wally World

Due to an overwhelming amount of responses to my banishment, I am writing another post. This past Saturday I was going to get swoll at the rec. I walk in the building. Look to my right. I see this tall, sexy man standing by the pro shop getting a daily pass. I go to get in line to swipe my card and I look over again. Indeed. It was Wally Sczerbiakzbeibzciak. I stopped moving and stared with my mouth open. He looked over at me, gave me a head nod and smiled. Why did he do this? Because I looked like an excited fourth grader who didn't know what to do, and this was only Wally, not some superstar.

The head nod/smile combo could mean a few different things. One being the obvious he wanted to hang out later and we should exchange numbers. I did not have the stones to do this. The other could have been oh great another person oogling at my awesome spiky hair, gosh I am so popular. Or maybe it was something like... Finally someone actually recognized me so I am going to recognize them recognizing me. I am going with the latter considering he had to actually wait in line to get a daily pass because the lady at the pro shop didn't know who he was. 

What was Wally doing at the Miami rec? Well the newly finished giant center was built after his time so he was not able to experience pwning n00bs in pickup games. He was just taking a look around though. He had his wife and two daughters with him so he obviously wasn't balling or getting J&T. I already knew the World was in town because he was getting inducted into the Miami athletic HOF that evening at the MU, WMU bball game. I also already knew that I was really excited to make my girlfriend go to the game on Vday just so I could see Wally.

Good thing I got to see him twice that day. At the game I made sure to wear the same outfit I did to the rec so he may be like.. oh there's that kid in the Notre Dame sweatshirt from earlier. He sat two sections over from me. If I could go back to the rec that day and see Wally again, I would have asked one of three questions.

Initially is would have been something gay like Hey Wally bring Cleveland back a title this year. Which is definitely a two year old thing to say and I would have just gotten another smile and maybe a high five. The more I thought about it I figured out that I would have asked him to tell me a funny story about Delonte's pre-game habits. All I could think about was how great it would be for the blog. Then finally I came up with my question. Hey Wally, you goin out tonight? It would have been perfect. He would have said no because he had those chicks with him, but I could have enticed him to head to the bars. We could have gotten late night together, ripped a few shots, could have let him pass out at my place.... Man. Then the next morning we would go get the best burger ever. THE RON HARPER. Double cheeseburger, bacon, ham, fried egg, BBQ, 3 diff cheeses, 60,000 calories. Except I would have just watched him eat it because I can't eat for another 13 days. 

Whew good thing I didn't get banned from the blog. 

Contributor Vote

Today we will be holding a contributor vote, with one simple question in mind:

Are sammich's posts too shocking to the point where he should be banished from being a contributor?

And since we're so patriotic around here, we're going to test something out and report to Congress on how well it worked-- that's right, you guessed it-- CARD CHECK! Here's a link to read about the Employee Free Choice Act if you don't know anything about it. Oh, and here's a very funny commercial:



So instead of secretly submitting your ballot, today you will be voting in the comments section for all to see. Again:

Are sammich's posts too shocking to the point where he should be banished from being a contributor?

A simple yes or no will do, but a defense to your vote is encouraged. Oh, and if sammich shows up at your door when you're typing your vote, watch the fuck out. He knows Tae Bo.
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Homeless People

First off, I apologize for the drunken stupor of the post below. 

Now we have had 3 straight posts about homeless people on this site. Instead of bitching about them always being annoying and asking for money, we should take into account what Randy Marsh once said. Those folks from South Park, Colorado had a tough time with the homeless as well. Here were a few of their ideas.

1- We could give the homeless designer sleeping bags and makeovers so at least they would be pleasant to look at. Although this is a great idea, there is still the problem of the homeless people urinating themselves and smelling like poo. They still don't have teeth, and they will still ask for money. FAILED.

2- Randy Marsh- We could turn the homeless into tires, so we could still have them, but use them... for cars. Genius idea Mr. Marsh. Why not utilize the homeless people into something that we need every day. We could have white people tires and black people tires, but not mexican tires because they would fall asleep. The white person tire would be fragile and weak, but effective until a pothole is hit. The black person tire would be lazy and stupid, but very durable and ideal for rough terrain.

Watching this episode reminded me that this used to be one of my south park favorites. However, now I don't like it anymore. All the homeless people keep asking for change. The word change reminds me of the prezzo. Everytime I think about Obama, I think about this black chick at school who can't read or write and was screaming like a black girl after the election. 

I can't copy and paste into blogger for some reason. But please watch this video it is hilarious.

Never mind I am retarded I can't do it.

Also, I do not know how I went from homeless people to our President.

Election News We Missed

I hate Mexicans

It's time to kick all of the illegal Mexicans out of the country, not because of any economical or political motives, but because they are all pieces of shit. Watch any US vs. Mexico soccer game and you'll see what I'm talking about.

My hatred stems way back, but here are some of the reasons that highlight my feelings.
Feb. 7, 2007, Mexican goalie Oswaldo "dirty" Sanchez made a sliding attempt to take out US forward Eddie Johnson while he was running to celebrate a goal.



Feb. 11, 2009, Mexican defender Rafael Marquez goes up for a challenge against US goalie Tim Howard and deliberately cleats him in the back of the knee, earning himself a red card.

Feb. 11, 2009, Mexican assistant coach Paco Ramirez bitch slaps US defender Frankie Hejduk in the tunnel after the game.



Ever since our victory over our southern neighbors in the quarter finals of the 2002 World Cup, their fans throw bags of urine at our players every time we play there.

They refuse to shake hands with our players every time we beat them.

In 2004, Mexican fans chanted OSAMA for the entire 90 minutes of the match..and that was only a U23 game.

Voodoo. Mexicans were dumb enough to think that producing thousands of dolls and passing out needles along with them was going to be their "secret weapon" for last night's game. As if that isn't stupid enough, the dolls that were suppose to resemble number 10 Landon Donovan, were actually printed as 01. Fucking retards. BTW, Radio Shack was the original sponsor of the dolls but then realized that "it might not be the best PR to be using witchcraft against its country's national team." Blockbuster jumped in to play the traitor role though..So fuck them too.

Here are the highlights of the game including Marquez's red

Why I Give Money To Crackheads On The Street

So a night is not complete until I get harassed into submission by a non-white man on the streets on Cincinnati. As always, I listen to his sob story, shake his hand as he introduces himself, claims that he is not asking not money, continues his story that always ends in him wanting money. The funny thing is that I actually probably give money to about a quarter of the people whom I come in contact with. Most of the time its not because I feel sorry for them. I believe I actually have a weird opinion on this...I believe that if you are that desperate to make up a story, befriend everyone that walks by, rap about random words you give him, that you may actually need the money more than I do. Even though I know that they will most likely run down the street to Chris Henry to score some of the finest crack Cincinnati has ever seen, I still somehow give cash to these men. So I guess where I want to go with this is, I want to list the top three reasons that I give to homeless people on the street.

1. The guy starts into some long, drawn out story about how his kid is diabetic, he just got out off jail for going 112 on I71 trying to get his kid out the hospital, makes bail, can't drive anymore, and now just needs $7.31 to take the bus to go see his kid that will most likely die tonight and he finally emphasizes the fact that not all white people are racist because I am talking to him, so....I give him $7.31.
2. They show some redeeming talent or quality about them. Somehow they have managed to beat that old paint drum better than anyone I have ever seen to date. I am captivated by the rhythm, start to clap, and before I know it all the change in my pocket has been throw on the street before them. 
3. They have an adorable dog with them and I feel so bad that this dog has to suffer such a miserable existence with this human that has faulted in enhancing their own well being. So I give money in hopes that he will at least feed the dog and keep the dog alive in an attempt to make more money. Or maybe I'm doing the dog an injustice by keeping him alive, I'll have to contemplate this at a later date

Just a thought about the homeless tonight. The rising number of Obama's brothers is something that desperately needs action. Try to do your part, volunteer, donate to a reputable charity,  do what you can. God I am such a hypocrite. My solution, kick out the Mexicans, give them their crappy jobs, if you don't want to work their jobs then Fuck you, stay homeless.

INSTAHOUSE

It takes a lot to really knock me on my ass lately. This country is so fucked up I cannot even stand it sometimes, so not often does something come along that really honestly shocks me. And yet, something bigger comes along each and every time I think I have seen it all.



Ok. I'm pretty sure that ^^^ took place at around 1:00 PM-- it seems like that was the time I was watching that today. So now, fast forward to 2:09 PM:

Henrietta Hughes was offered a home by Chene Thompson, wife of State Representative Nick Thompson, who heard the homeless woman’s pleas for help to President Obama before a local and national crowd.

Wow. This lady barely had the sentence out of her mouth-- "Hey, Barack can I have a hou--- BOOM INSTAHOUSE BOOOOOOOM.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say that this is such a great fairy tale and I'm so happy that this homeless lady that lived in her truck got a house. I'm not going to say that. Can we maybe start her off slow? Maybe get her an apartment? Now, she's been homeless for over a year, so it wasn't the latest crisis that got her into this mess. She's clearly doing something wrong.

Now that that is out of the way, what kind of message is being delivered here? It's like in John 4:46-54, a royal official had a sick son, asked Jesus to heal him, and boom, instamiracle. Healed. No big deal. Are we at ask-and-you-shall-receive status with Obama?

Yo, Barry, can I have, umm... SI Swimsuit Cover Model Bar Refa---

/POOF

Weezy Baby

It has been well-documented that there is a tremendous amount of love for Lil' Wayne among all of us on this board. As I continue to have zero life I stumbled up on this interview of Lil Wayne and Katie Couric. There are other similar videos as well, but I figured this displayed the highest level of ignorance. Enjoy.

How bad are...

THE JONAS BROTHERS?!  I'm sitting here watching the Grammy's and if I don't get this off my chest I'll end up breaking something.  Seriously, how bad are the Jonas Brothers?  They just performed with Stevie Wonder.  I came away with a few things after watching this garbage.  I feel terrible for Stevie Wonder for actually having to perform with these doofus'.  With that performance Stevie broke the all time performance record on a Grammy stage.  So they had Stevie break the record with these loser brothers?  C'mon Grammy's!  Moving on, after they played that dumb song of theirs about being into Delilah or whatever, Stevie cues up Superstitious.  One of the idiot dudes completely botches the second verse after going "Let me take this Stevie."  Buddy if you're gonna take it, you better be sure about what you're taking and not mess up an icon's song.  Finally, when these bozos sing they sound like they're constipated.  Dude, just spit it out.  Try not to be in such pain when belting out your garbage music.  

In conclusion, the Jonas Brothers are God awful.  They encompass everything that is bad.  Katy Perry sucks too.  However, Blink-182 is apparently getting back together which quickly made me happy after watching garbage.

War Travis, Mark, and Tom.

-'Killa

Booked

I have been hearing a phrase that has become all too common lately. Those who are the latest to utter this phrase though seem to throw this sense of commonality out the door and perceive themselves as a unique case. The complex look on a face lacking comfort and the shake of the delivering voice is the same in every case.

"My mom got Facebook."

Disbelief ensues.

But should it? If you told me three years ago that my mom would be texting me or sending e-mails that I receive instantly on my BlackBerry I would have handed her a phone and dared her to do so. It physically could not have happened. Same with pops. It just wasn't within the technological skill-set. To join the ranks of quote abusers, I will reference Bob Dylan - "The times, they are a-changin'."

Now, I do enjoy being able to text with my parents. It's quite convenient and it supplements the need for frequent phone calls smaller in breadth or less frequent, more involved phone calls. The call frequency to importance ratio is in perfect balance. As far as Facebook however, my mom does not have an account. She never will and I can say that with certainty. But for those of you who have fallen victim to this epidemic or are in real danger of doing so, I would like to use three scenarios from my office of how to handle the situation correctly and how to botch it so badly that you set yourself up for some serious mom attitude (which you will have to answer to by phone call, not text - sorry).

Scenario 1:

Karl - "How do you make it so people can't see your pictures on Facebook?"

Me - "I'm not sure of the exact steps, but I know it's in security settings or preferences or something like that."

Karl - "Ok good. My mom just got Facebook and I'd rather her not see some of those pictures."

Me - "Yeah man that sucks..." (Translated - That really sucks. Every time your "friends" section populates 6 pictures on the left side of your profile when it's visited, the risk of [insert Karl's mom's name here] appearing grows by the click).

Point: Karl handled it correctly. He is utilizing the tools within Facebook so that his mom cannot see what he doesn't want her to see. You can in fact do this on an individual basis. I have used it for people that I would rather not know how big of a clown I can be.

Scenario 2:

Lady in cube next door - "Little Jimmy's status says he is making guac-dip right now!! He must be getting ready for the Super Bowl this weekend!"

Me - (Bad.)

Lady in cube next door - "Laurie put pictures of her new shoes on Facebook!! These are so nice but why would you put pictures of shoes on Facebook??"

Me - (Real Bad.)

Point: If nothing else, this confirms the previous point and the importance of blocking every last thing that you don't want your mom announcing to the office (if she is as wacked as the dame in mine). What it also confirms though is that for things that you cannot block (status?), you just "gotta except the beat" as McBread would tell you and either post things that are mom friendly, or tell her she is going to see some shit.

Scenario 3:

David - "I just ignore friend invites from people I don't want to be friends with."

Me - "Yeah, but if your mom asks..."

David - "Well she hasn't, but I ignored my aunt."

Me - "It's not the same."

Point: And it isn't. You can tell your mom all of the reasons in the world why the two of you have not synched up on that friend request yet and hope that she doesn't know a thing about Facebook. "Yeah, my account doesn't let me accept friends outside of my college" or "Isn't that so weird?? I have NOT gotten that request yet! This site is crazy!!" or simply deny that you have a working account any more and that the account she is seeing is your disabled account. All of those have holes though, no matter how small, and we know that moms ALWAYS see their way through the holes. Always.

So if you have a +1 Friend Request in your inbox after you read this, suck it up. The worst thing that can happen is that the News Feed will read something like "Brad Gaskill is now friends with Sue Gaskill." Sure it's like being 13 at the mall and being seen with your mom in the underwear department of Macy's while the cute girl from middle school walks by all over again, but at least it will provide a great opportunity for you and your mom to connect!

Over text message.

Suck Me Beautiful

I'm getting pretty sick of life right about now. Football is over, Obama doesn't make me hard anymore, school sucks … it's time for me to spice up my daily routine. So, I've decided to start leech therapy.

If you've seen Speed 2: Cruise Control then you already know, leeches work wonders. I can't even begin to list all of the medicinal uses of these creatures, but, in short, they help focus blood circulation which can help speed up the healing process for a seemingly infinite number of injuries.

Personally, I've had a difficult history with leeches. My first experience came in 1996. After a long afternoon of swimming in the bogs of the Southern Appalachians, I had to take a shit. Upon completion, I was shocked to find the dreaded "poop you can't wipe." I stayed in that bathroom for 45 minutes before my mom forced me to come out and then explained that it wasn't poop at all, it was a creature. It was a leach. That was one of the most horrifying moments of my life. So, I guess you could say that this is also about me facing my fears.

For anyone who wants to join in, here is the simple seven step process for beginning your therapy:

1. Wash hands. 
2. Select appropriate personal protective equipment (gloves). 
3. Cleanse area with normal saline soaked sterile gauze. 
4.  Apply leeches with gloved hand on tweezers. 
5. Allow leech to attach large posterior end first and direct smaller head end to the desired site. ( Leeches can be loaded into an empty syringe without a plunger “rear end first” and the open end of syringe is placed over the desired site to ensure proper placement. )
6. Apply the other leeches if neseseary. 
7. Monitor leeches until they fill with blood (10-20  minutes). Usually  the leech falls off itself (if not use salt. Leeches do not like salt and will drop off)

I'm a little worried about all the talk of rear end's and posterior's, but the fear of ass play has never stopped me before. You can buy your own leeches here; only $8 a piece, and they accept paypal! I'm going to start as soon as my leeches get here, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date on how this therapy progresses.

NBA All Star Game

With the NBA All-Star Game approaching I would like to take the liberty to share a few thoughts. First and foremost, the Game is an exhibition. There has been debate, especially this year with who should be on the team that got snubbed and who maybe doesn't necessarily deserve to be on the team. Face facts people, YOU the fans vote for these characters so don't whine and complain when "your guy" doesn't make it. The coaches do have a say and are in charge of selecting the reserves. So at least people with "legit" knowledge have a say. I personally don't care either way because at the end of the day are we really going to look back and describe a player's career by how many all-star games he made? No. The game is just a circus and fun to watch once the ridiculous alley oops are stopped. The fourth quarter can actually be quite fun to watch if it's a close game because these disgustingly sick athletes show their true competitive side.

I respect Yao Ming's game. But one thing that just eats away at my insides and makes me sick. No matter what kind of numbers he puts up or if he's healthy or not, he will always make the all-star team because all of China votes for him. Again, an example of a fan of the game complaining about people maybe getting snubbed. On a side note, when was the last time he played a full season without being hurt?

They decided to include H-O-R-S-E into this year's festivities. I don't really know what to think about this other than it's a pretty dumb idea. All I can think of are those old McDonald's commercials with MJ and Bird playing HORSE.

The dunk contest should be entertaining this year. Dwight Howard will probably win because he is creative and has mad hops. My dark horse is Rudy Gay because I like his styles.

In celebration of the all-star game I would like to share something with all of you that I created last year. I'll let you guys duke it out with your own opinions. Enjoy the following:

Eastern Conference All Stars

Coach: Styles Miller
Ed McBread (Kevin Garnett) – Termendous all around player. Lanky defender that is very capable of rebounding and blocking shots in pong and beer guy. Decent distance on his shot. Intelligent passer who foils chilpotle burritos. Dedicated, passionate, and smart.
Dubes (Dwayne Wade) – Excellent athlete with lightening like quickness. Excels at the drive and dish. Possesses heart and determination, always leading the party atmosphere. Solid speed to drinks, great at reading the drinking lanes, terrific historic IQ.
V (Rasheed Wallace)- Superb talent with an excellent post game. Runs well and plays solid guy with deceiving range in his game. Solid rebounder and a terrific shot taker.
Bru (Richard Hamilton)- Excellent driver to the rack but also able to drain a beer from mid range and beyond. Improved as a team leader over the years. Possesses great styles and always on top of recruiting news.
Enormo (Lebron James) – Instant contributor out of high school. His vision and passing ability when buying shots is second to none. Can play the point but talented at any position on the drinking court. Always putting on MVP performances.
Gaskill (Dwight Howard) – At his size can do just about everything. Dominate at power hour, but can also step out and hit down the pong shot when necessary. Murder on the beer bong. Crashes the glass well. Can leap out of the gym. Always improving.
Garsh (Jason Kidd) – An experienced player who plays the game the right way and is a true team player. Known for his passing of shots, rebounding from an early pass out, and always mentally prepared to black out or get out.
Log (Ray Allen) – A beautiful pong shot. Pure drinker with great range. Can penetrate with jameson, but always looking to drain the long ball.
Bernbomber (Antawn Jamison)- Great low post player with quick and unique styles. Has worked on his game in recent years and has become a reliable drinker in the game. Hard worker and always wants to improve his game.
KKF (Paul Pierce)- Great inside and outside player who can be stealth but present at the same time. Always able to get to the bar when he penetrates. Will have stretches where he’s almost unstoppable.
Cam (Chauncey Billups) – Steadily developed as his career has moved on. Can run the team but is also able to pass out on some sand and in the tahoe. The bigger the night the more he steps up.
Blannin (Caron Butler)- Gifted drinker. Quick body who always shows up timely with beer and something whitty to say. Lead all husman residents in pong in study rooms his rookie season.
K Law (Joe Johnson)- Tremendous knowledge for a young player. Unselfish player and is always distributing his greatness. Natural, smooth drinker.

Western Conference All Stars
Coach: Greatness Prosser
CheffboyR (Kobe Bryant)- One of the best if not the best perimeter player in the league. Capable of putting nights on his shoulders. When hes in full form he literally takes over in all facets. He can create for others while taking care of himself at the same time.
Kersch- (Yao Ming)- Uses his size as his main asset. Strong passer capable of finding the open body. Agile and athletic, can do just about anything when asked to.
Rick Ross (Steve Nash)- The best not talked about player. A great drive and dish playmaker always willing to hit up castle or dooglies late night. Has become more aggressive the past few seasons and can be counted on in the clutch. Nearly flawless from the charity stripe and garbage music knowledge.
BigLots (Allen Iverson)- True warrior. Lightening quick first step, can make unimaginable plays off the dribble. Streaky drinker who can always nail the three. Hustling defender who can steal the show.
Gayke (Carmelo Anthony)- Pure scorer who can make shots from anywhere. Solid vision and can always pass out of a sticky situation. Not always competitive but a true team player.
KONG (Tim Duncan)- An excellent technician around the basket with both power and finesse moves. Always able to find the thirsty people who need drinks and serve them up a nice assist. Fundamentally sound is the word for this this guy. Always got things going.
Dave (Andrei Kirilenko)- Athletic young man with an NBA body. Possesses good court vision and a dagger of a dance move. Can run and dance in the open court. Scraps for loose balls and rebounds.
Ski (David West)- Talented player who can score with his back to the basket or facing up. More importantly he is an intelligent player and dedicated to making his teammates better. Always around the basket and creating dances for his teammates.
BA (Chris Paul)- Able to score prolifically but can pass the ball with the best of them. The type of guy who can truly run an offense. Good decision making skills and always the first to discovering hot tracks. The ideal on court floor general.
Sundo (Amare Stoudemire)- An amazing athlete with the skills to dominate the NBA. An aggressive drinker and is always finishing with a powerful dunk.
Cubs Hat (Carlos Boozer)- Puts the power in power forward. With his frame he can be difficult to stop. When he gets going, there’s no stopping him. A great touch around the old style cans.
TV (Brandon Roy)- Smart and focused player. Excellent court vision and great leadership skills. Drinks bigger than his frame, makes smart, strong plays all night long.
CB (Dirk Nowitzki)- Great outside shooter who can handle the rock as well. Versatile to score from inside or out. All star level talent at either drinking position. Lean, quick, and talented.

War triple doubles over 61 points.

-'Killa

GIVE ME SOME PROT. BABY

Muscle milk- day six. It is Friday, I have taken two shits since Saturday and I have eaten one shrimp, two power bars, and a few small pieces of jerky. I needed the jerky to help fill my stomach because I hadn't eaten for over 12 hours.  I am MANOREXIC.  Anyways, I eat the power bars when I am in class all day. I really do not think it is appropriate to whip out a giant tub of prot and a gallon of milk. Hold on teach, gotta get jacked and tan (J&T). 

I am running low on my cookies and cream jug so I just went to this supplementwarehouse.com site. They have a feature where you can offer them a different price based on their competitors. Well these jugs cost 40 bucks for 5 lbs. Blindly, I say amazon.com has a 5 pounder for 22 bucks. So these meatheads offer me a jug for 21. I just scammed them.

Anyways true story coming here. I was at the rec last night and I see this kid in my frat who loves steroids and supplements and lifting weights and tanning, yea you get it. So I tell him what I am doing this month and he goes off on this rant. He just spent $600 on steroids and supplements and that only lasts him one month. He has a shake in his hand. Over 1400 calories, over 300 g carbs, and around 60 g prot. He then says that he is taking in 4 of these per day, plus food, plus intramuscular roids... needles and all. Reason: he is trying to get huge(r) for spring break because everyone else he is going with is bigger than him. He had 2 of these shakes while at the rec. He brought the jug to refill in one of the drinking fountains. 

My shit this morning was solid. I am starving 24/7. I feel like I have lost ten pounds this week. Weighing in tomorrow night. I am tired all the time. Only 22 more days. I figure that after this month I will have lost 20-25 lbs of fat, and gain 5 lbs of muscle. J&T, J&T.

Enough Already

Ok, Ok...I was biting my tongue on this one, but they made me do it, they just made me do it. In light of Kelloggs announcement to not renew Michael Phelps' spokesman contract and the USA swimming team's suspension of three months, I have but one message. Media: Lay off of Michael Phelps. 

So what? The man smoked a little grass. Is that such a sin? He is not in competition, because he is a freak of nature he agrees to any additional testing to prove it (passing every-time), does plenty of charity work, and obviously has his priorities in order. The man has won 14 GOLD medals swimming in the Olympics. The freakin' Olympics...

This isn't the end of the world. Ricky Williams smoked plenty of dope in his day. He played pretty well for the Fins this year. The reining Super Bowl MVP, Santonio Holmes, was arrested earlier this year for sparkin blizzies in his SUV. On Media day he also admitted to dealing 'juan as a youth. Not to mention, I saw him on the famous "I'm going to Disney World" commercial after the big victory. Last time I checked, Walt's major marketing audience is children. In fact, President Barack Obama has admitted to tokin a little green in his day. 

Now, I am not praising him or condoning his actions, but enough is enough. The media has blown this so out of proportion. I bet Jim Rome got a big chub when this story came out. This is just the type of thing he loves. 

If anything, Phelps ripped the pipe, didn't feel his body, laughed his ass off, ate some Doritos, and passed out with hottie. It's not like he killed someone. Time to move on people. 

Kobe or Bron?

Honestly, I would love to see who thinks who is a better player RIGHT NOW. Kobe's rings don't count and neither does "who would you rather have on your team?" 

Defense: Lebron wins clearly. That is if he is trying. The man can do it all on D when he puts out enough effort.

3's: KOBE. He is a better shooter and there is no doubt about it. Remember the game at Staples Center a few weeks back?

Jumpers: KOBE. Once again the last few minutes of their last game against each other, KOBE hit two ridiculous jumpers OVER LEBRON. Kid can shoot.

Vision, Passing: Bron. In order to receive acclamation on this, you actually have to dish the rock. 

Driving, Finishing: Bron. Best in the business at it too. 

Clutchness: Kobe. How many game winners has he hit compared to lebron? probably a  5:1 ratio.

I still think Kobe is better. The game in LA gave me the sure fire decision on that. I am sure you are all sick of the Bron vs KOBE talk because of the neglect shown to Stephon Marbury. So... who is better?

National Signing Day Part II

I agree with everything in the below post regarding "national signing day".

I also believe this video never gets old.



Really? Think about what that kid did for a minute. It takes awhile for the utter absurdity of the situation to become wholly apparent. By the way, I still haven't made my decision, but I'm leaning towards USC.

Kobe just got Pwned

And I don't even know what "pwned" means.

I frantically texted people before the game to shove all-in on the Knicks tonight because LeBron would try to copy Kobe and go off on the Knicks at the Garden, hoisting up errant threes in the process. I suppose the Knicks did cover by .5 points (107-102 Cavs win-- spread was 5.5), but that is the last time I doubt that asshole LeBron James. Jesus Christ.

52 points, 11 assists, 10 rebounds was the final damage done. Yeah, that's more impressive than your shitty 61 points, 3 assists, 0 rebounds stat line, Kobe.

He really does have no regard for human life.

National Signing Day

As the hours of what the media commonly calls "national signing day" tick away, the suspense will build for those "undeclared" athletes.  Currently,   the 18 recruits that will attempt to pull Indiana out of the bottom of the Big Ten are all "signed".  Manti Te'o (#1 OLB in the country) has chosen to play for Notre Dame and coach Charlie Weis.  USC has landed the top quarterback in the class of 2009 as they seem to do year after year.  As a sports fan, these headlines are all intriguing stories, but I thought I would try to view this "day" from another perspective.

Lets honestly think of the number of students (because these guys signing to play football are "student-athletes") that go to college each year... Obviously, there are some very intelligent high school seniors out there, but we never hear about them on the national media.  They never get ranked as SAT Top150.  No one I know that earned a significant scholarship to school for reasons other than athletics got the privilege of signing an intent letter.  

Don't get me wrong I follow sports as much as or more than most and I am not saying that academic letters of intent should be implemented into the mainstream.  But, I just thought it was interesting that the media throws these 18 year old high school seniors in front of a national audience (for many their first real media exposure) to make one of the most important decisions they will face in their lifetime.  Granted, I am sure that most of the decision making is made in the friendly confines of home along with family long before a camera guy says "action".  But either way, the decision they make influences so many people and they have to stomach that.  

Basically, as I flipped through the channels and watched ESPN U briefly this morning, it made me think of all the scholars and athletes of second tier sports that undoubtedly deserve national attention for their accomplishments.  Really I just took a different look at "National signing day" and figured out its not really that "national"... 

P.S.:  How do the scouts even know if these homies are going to perform well when they get to college?

Yo Mamma Obama!

I’ve said before that I’d be critical of the Obama administration if I believed their policy decisions would negatively affect our long term growth and stability.

Well, guess what? Less than three weeks into Obama’s first term, I’m already worried about the Economic Recovery Plan that’s set to launch with little (or no) bipartisan support and close to a $1 trillion dollar price tag.

I know Obama is anxious to get us out of this deep recession and it’s essential we do so, but it will open happen if we learn from the mistakes that got us here in the first place. A fundamental problem with Bush’s policies was their focus on swiftness instead of soundness. The current plan seems to suffer from the same disease, especially when one considers that the state bailouts are being provided with no real strings attached.

Obama keeps insisting that there is “no pork” on this bill, but that’s hard to believe considering the list below (taken from cnn.com):

• $2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient.

• A $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.

• $650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program.

• $88 million for the Coast Guard to design a new polar icebreaker (arctic ship).

• $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.

• $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.

• $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees.

• $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's.

• $1.4 billion for rural waste disposal programs.

• $125 million for the Washington sewer system.

• $150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.

• $1 billion for the 2010 Census, which has a projected cost overrun of $3 billion.

• $75 million for "smoking cessation activities."

• $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges.

• $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.

• $25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction.

• $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.

• $10 million to inspect canals in urban areas.

• $6 billion to turn federal buildings into "green" buildings.

• $500 million for state and local fire stations.

• $650 million for wildland fire management on forest service lands.

• $1.2 billion for "youth activities," including youth summer job programs.

• $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.

• $412 million for CDC buildings and property.

• $500 million for building and repairing National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland.

• $160 million for "paid volunteers" at the Corporation for National and Community Service.

• $5.5 million for "energy efficiency initiatives" at the Department of Veterans Affairs National Cemetery Administration.

• $850 million for Amtrak.

• $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

• $75 million to construct a "security training" facility for State Department Security officers when they can be trained at existing facilities of other agencies.

• $110 million to the Farm Service Agency to upgrade computer systems.

• $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.

I’ll admit that I haven’t read through all of the bill’s provisions but one of Obama’s campaign promises was government accountability. Namely, that his office would go through each bill “line by line” to cut out wasteful spending. Similarly, he said he will put this type of massive legislation online as to create transparency for all Americans. So, we should soon be able to see if he’s followed through on his promise to extract the garbage.

Honestly, I think anyone of us could create three million jobs, as Obama has promised, if we had one trillion dollars to spend. The key is whether this spending creates the long-term, sustainable growth we need in this frighteningly stagnant market. Credit is still frozen, there’s $350 billion from the initial “bailout” that is basically unaccounted for, and this new package threatens the same uselessness if our leadership isn’t responsible. I won’t jump to conclusions, but it’s worrisome that such a massive package is about to be rolled out less than a month into Obama’s first term. He said it’s not going to be “politics as usual”, and let’s hope he wasn’t lying as this is reminiscent of some of the short-sighted decisions and politically driven hastiness of our last president.

We don't need quick decisions. We need reflective ones.

/end rant

MEATSPIN

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Reading Material

I think I have stumbled upon a website that will provide everyone with countless hours of reading material. It is called F*** my life. Words do not describe it.

F*** my life

And also, here are the top entries

Have fun.